Looking back at the works of author Robert E. Howard, I'm honestly surprised that it took so long for someone to make a big screen adaptation. Granted, when one mentions Howard's name today you usually have to add 'Conan the Barbarian' to it or else they have no idea who you're talking about, but during Howard's lifetime he was best known for his western and boxing stories.
1970's, on the other hand, saw the revival of Howard's fantasy characters, mostly in the form of the long running Marvel comic series. This got Hollywood's attention, although Oliver Stone's first draft made the character a Mad Max rip-off for some reason. After a bit of wheeling and dealing, the story of the most famous barbarian of all came to the big screen. The 1981 Excalibur may have played a part, much as Star Wars kicked off a new wave of sci-fi. Unlike the flood of imitators that followed, Conan played it straight.
A blacksmith (William Smith) tells his son Conan (Jorge Sanz) the secret of steel. The secret was stolen by the giants that live in the Earth from the god Crom. Crom's rage was great and in his fighting with the giants lost the secret on the Earth's surface where it was found by Man. The blacksmith tells Conan that he can only depend on steel. Not men, not women, not beasts, he says, only steel. Some time later, a band of raiders attacks the village. Lead by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), they slaughter the village's adults and lead the children, including Conan, away in chains.
Lashed to a massive wheel, Conan spends his childhood turning the massive thing until he reaches adulthood (and now played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), where he is sold to a slave trader (Luis Barboo). From there he is turned into a pit fighter. Conan proves apt at combat. He proves to be so skilled that his owner takes him to the east to be trained in proper weapons, as well as language and philosophy. He proves even better at those and is soon hired out as a mercenary. After some time, his master gives him his freedom.
Some time later, Conan is running for his life across a vast plain, a pack of wolves at his heels. Taking refuge into a cave, he falls into a large crypt. Taking the skeletal remains as the earthly form of Crom, Conan helps himself to the mummy's sword. Thus armed, Conan easily dispatches the wolves.
And some time after that, Conan is again wandering. This time while in a deep wood he happens across a cottage. The woman (Cassandra Gaviola) offers the use of her fire. While inside, the woman mentions that Conan's coming for foretold and that he would become a great king after crushing the snakes of the Earth. This gets Conan's attention, as Thulsa Doom rode under a banner with black snakes over a black sun and moon. He wants more information, but the woman insists there is a steep price. Mostly he has to have sex with her. Conan has no problem with this payment. During the course of their lovemaking, however, the woman spouts fangs and attacks him. Conan tosses her into her own fire, although she seems more annoyed by this. Transforming into a fireball, she flees into the night, laughing madly. Conan is shocked by this, but still has no problem with spending the rest of the night in the cottage.
The next day, Conan finds another guest of the woman. Subotai (Gerry Lopez), thief and archer, has been tied up and left for the wolves just outside. After some banter, Conan frees him and the pair head to the city of Zamora. Overwhelmed by the ancient city, enough to punch out a camel at least, Conan sets about to find information on the riders. Learning of the Tower of the Serpent, a holy place dedicated to the Cult of Set which is growing in power by the day, the pair decide to rob the place, as they figure even if they don't find any info on the raiders they can always use whatever treasure they find.
They weren't the only ones to think so either, as while they're breaking in they run into Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), a thief of some skill. She at least thought to bring some rope. They manage to steal several valuables, even though they have to kill a monstrous sized snake in doing so. They also identify Rexor (Ben Davidson), Thulsa Doom's right hand man.
When we next see our heroes, they are living it up on the proceeds of their theft, namely getting sloppy drunk. They're still within the boarders of Zamora though, and are brought before King Osric (Max von Sydow). The king, mentioning that Rexor has been demanding the thieves heads, offers them a job. His daughter has been taken in with the Cult of Set, and since disciples have the habit of murdering their parents, the king wants his daughter back. All Conan and company have to do is ride to Doom's Mountain of Power and rescue the princess.
Valeria thinks they should take the offered portion of the reward and split town, but Conan decides to rescue the princess himself. Along the way he encounters a wizard (Mako) who has been acting as the film's narrator. Conan manages to get pretty far inside the Mountain of Power, but he is spotted. Crucified on the Tree of Woe, he is recused by Valeria and Subotai. They manage to get him back to the wizard, who warns that the gods will demand a heavy toll for Conan's life. Valeria agrees to pay it. Once healed, all three head back to the mountain, although the gods will be demanding their payment sooner than anything thinks.
I've seen this film over a dozen times and it still holds my attention. There is so much that shouldn't work, yet all the elements come together. Arnold barely speaks at all, and almost half his dialogue is references to Crom. Bergman manages to do the acting for the both of them, conveying emotion and pathos with even the most basic glance. James Earl Jones, naturally, steals every scene he's in and even scenes he's not. The final confrontation between Doom and Conan is epic in every sense. The soundtrack even makes the repetitive scenes of people hiking and walking look and sound bolder than life.
The film's boldness works in its favor. Magic, in this world, can be called upon but a good sword can stop even the most evil wizard. It's also funny that Doom is the one who gets the most character development. When we first see him, he's a barbarian, roughly about the same level as Conan. He has somehow moved to become a leader and priest later. The film gives us enough hints about the back story yet doesn't fill in any details.
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