Friday, June 12, 2015

Conan the Destoryer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer (1984), dir. Richard Fleischer, Dino de Laurentiis Company.

It's a forgone conclusion now, but there was a period when fantasy films didn't automatically get sequels. In the wake of Conan the Barbarian, the film market was quickly flooded with sword & sorcery films of various stripes. Some serious, some campy, although the trend towards camp quickly proved to be stronger. When a sequel was announced, one could be tempted to think it would be a story of Conan's becoming a king, as teased at the very end of the first film.

After watching this one, I can only assume someone thought: "yes, we have to do a sequel, only slash the budget and get rid of everything that worked in the first film!"


We open with Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) apparently prying before a crude alter. Malak (Tracey Walter); who seems to be Conan's partner, although he lacks any noticeable skills and his comedic level seems set on "annoying as can be". The pair are interrupted by a gang of armored horsemen led by Queen Tamaris (Sarah Douglas). She's not arresting them though, despite the merchants they've robbed. No, she seems more interested in watching as her men attempt to subdue the wily barbarian. Her captain of the guards, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), is less than impressed by his men's performance, as Conan easily dispatches them all.

When the fighting is over, the queen takes Conan and Malak back to the land of Sharazad. There she makes her pitch. It seems she has a small favor to ask of Conan. if he agrees, she'll be able to use her mighty magic to bring Valeria back to life.

This interests Conan, but if the queen has such magic at her disposal, why can't she complete the task? She says it's not that simple. The queen's virgin niece Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo) has a destiny intertwined with Dagoth the Sleeping God. In order for this destiny to happen though, the princess must present the Horn of Dagoth and the Heart of Ahriman to the god's temple. The catch is the heart is currently owned by the wizard Toth-Amon (Pat Roach), who isn't known for just giving up his treasures. With Conan's well earned reputation as a thief, she's sure he can steal the treasure and be back within the few days before the prophecy's deadline.

Conan agrees, and soon he, Malak, the princess, and Bombaata are riding out. What the queen failed to mention, though, is a few minor details. Such as the princess needing to be sacrificed before Dagoth. Her vizir (Jeff Corey) assures her that once the horn is placed on the sleeping form of Dagoth and the princess's blood immediately given to him, the queen will rule over what's left of humanity.

Conan and the party make a slight detour to rescue the wizard Akiro (Mako); who apparently is the same wizard from Conan the Barbarian, from a group of cannibals. They gain another party member when the princess orders them to stop a village from stoning the bandit Zula (Grace Jones). Conan severs her chains, giving her a fighting chance against the irate crowd. This act alone convinces Zula to throw in her lot with them.

Problems with the plot will continue below, but the battle with Toth-Amon is fraught with peril, as the old wizard manages to kidnap Jehnna. Conan manages to rescue the princess and steal the Heart, but only after slaying the wizard in his transformed state. The quest for the Horn goes about the same, with the Horn's owner (Ferdinand Mayne) deciding to kidnap the princess again.

As everything builds to the climax, Dagoth is finally unleashed (and played by an uncredited Andre the Giant). Can Conan and company put the Dreaming God back to sleep?

Now with the problems. Both the Heart and the Horn's owners are shown (and mentioned) to worship Dagoth as well. Since this is the case, why would they try to stop Jehnna from awaking the god? For that matter, if Jenna's virginity and life are so paramount, why have her in Conan's company in the first place? Why can't she could have stayed in the palace and have Conan bring the treasures back?

The fights scenes are good though, and Arnold's acting ability has grown since the first film. He handles the dialogue well enough, although it does no one any favors. Malak is utterly useless to the plot and only makes one wish for Gerry Lopez. Disappointing, but when compared to future films based on Howard's work, one almost longs for Conan punching out a camel.

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