What better way to end November than with a rewrite of one of the worst movies of all time?
We open with Howard the Duck (I was thinking Bill Murray as the voice, maybe Lorenzo Music or Frank Oz) as he walks through an urban sprawl to a dingy little apartment. It's small, boring, and cramped. All of a sudden, the walls start to shake and the floor falls away to reveal a screaming vortex. Howard clings to his cabinets but they break free and he falls screaming into the void...
He ends up on the banks of Cuyahoga River. He wanders for a bit before deciding to catch a bus. He freaks out when he sees humans but eh, he'll accept it. No body finds this odd, but the lady who sits next to him, Beverly (Lea Thompson) seems to notice. They strike up a friendship. Also an enemy, as a kidney obsessed lady (Ann Ramsey) also notices the cigar smoking duck and starts going on about kidneys.
They start to get into a fight when Turnip Man (Tim Robbins) arrives to save the day! He mostly wrecks the bus and gets Howard and Beverly kicked off. He vows to save Beverly and kidnaps her but Howard mounts a rescue and saves her, mostly by tearing the green's out of Turnip Man's head and thus killing the evil veggie. Turns out Turnip Man was actually Arthur Winslow, Beverly's sometime boyfriend. He was busy writing his book when a strange vortex opened up over the city and the Space Turnip hit him. Howard thinks this might a lead.
He goes home with Beverly. The next day he tries to find a job but the office is a bit puzzled by what to do with him. He gets hired to work as a repo man but he's disgusted by the job and quits when tasked to repo a TV from a struggling family.
He sees an ad promising 10,000 bucks to anyone who can handle the champ (Roddy Pipper). He wins, but the promoter says the ad makes it clear 'any man who can handle the champ' not duck. He does get a few bucks for his trouble.
Hitchhiking back east, as Arthur's a flake and they think the vortex may have comes from there, they end up splitting up. Beverly finds a creepy manor and it mistaken for the new governess, while Howard sleeps in the woods.
He's found by the Yuccies, a group lead by the Rev. Joon Moon Yuc (James Hong). He seems nice but declares Howard the DEVIL and orders him killed. Mr. Rochester (Vincent Price) saves Howard, thinking he's the Rev. Duck (He gets the names confused).
He takes Howard to the creepy manor. He and Beverly make up when the Rev. Yuc arrive. He's annoyed and he wants to buy the house. Why? To purge the world of evil! To prove this, he drags Patsy (Ally Sheedy) out. She's evil! Evil he tells ya!
Well, that's just silly. Patsy isn't evil, she just likes baking. Baking things like the giant man eating gingerbread man that's wrecking the house and eating the cultists. We also learn that Yuc created the vortex as he was trying to broadcast his message across space and time. Also so people will give him money.
Howard manages to stop the monster but Yuc can't recreate the portal, given that he was apparently blown up. Howard and Bev hit the road and run into Dreyfuss Gultch (Mojo Nixon), a big wig with the All-Night Party. He's heading to their convention and needs some help. So with that, Howard and Bev hit the road towards New York City.
Yeah, probably would have Howard being either animated or a Muppet. Shoot, why not get Jim Henson involved too for that perfect 80's blend of humor and horror.
Failing that, I'd back a truck up to Steve Gerber's house and flood it with cash. Have him do whatever he wants. Figure he knows the character a bit better than me.
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